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cold world conflagration
Mar. 20th, 2005
08:26 pm
"What good does observation do when it's the end of the world?"
"Find out. Go see the end of the world."
Madness in not a new invention.
Nov. 22nd, 2004
01:11 pm - ....of the soul
alternating between euphoria and crushing depression is exhausting. thank you, sunless wintertime.
we are on the final episodes of season 4 of Buffy. i remember swearing i would never watch it. now, work is just the thing i go to during episode breaks. and when the champagne runs out.
a week from today, i will be coming back from north dakota.
Jun. 18th, 2004
02:21 pm - jazz, vodka and the art of gracelessness
(more riveting life details. joy!)
i went out to Tula's with seth to watch one of his friends sing with her student ensemble jazz band. very good stuff, actually. vodka, black cigarettes and fun were had. i am certainly going back, how did i not know about this place?
seth and i then retired to the rendezvous, the seedy bar favored by the Speakeasy crowd. (hookers, blow and red plush). i had so much fun i lost my glasses.
Jun. 16th, 2004
04:27 pm - guns, kitties, beds, skinny puppy
i went to the shooting range with d. and jeff yesterday evening, for 'ladies night'. i have never fired a handgun, so i started off with a .22 ruger semi-automatic (thats all i know. oh, and it was a pretty blue and kind of elegant looking)and shot just fine with it. really well, even. d was masterfully (mistressfully?) using jeff's big .45 (i dont know what it was. it was just big. as in some guy standing around watching me and d commented to her 'heh. is that a big enough gun for you?' in that admiring, hick-ish hitting-on-a-chick-because-she-is-doing-s
hmm, forget the rest. maybe later.
Jun. 8th, 2004
02:13 pm - -
i feel so blank today. i think this is a sign that i need to start doing things again. martial arts, horses, school.... something, doing something. before i disappear completely.
May. 31st, 2004
01:04 am - 'just look at it. miles and miles....of nothing.'
usually, i think that all my experiences and fucked up behaviors and bad decisions and agonizing education have been worth while. usually. and then some days i just feel crushed by it all. weighed down and lost. unable to meet anyone's eyes with even a simulated degree of innocence, compassion or curiosity. i dislike crowds. watching all those separate, non-referencing worlds competing depresses me. i am afraid of people because they dont know who they are, or what they are doing, or why.
do i?
something must change for me. i feel myself sinking again into the years i have tried to leave behind. i know better. i know i know better, how frustrating. why do things just get more and more complicated?
emotions are hard for me to deal with. trust is hard for me to deal with. trusting someone means they will fuck you up. but then, i know better then to bother worrying about it. its all part of the fun, right?
this post was partially brought to you by the following sponsors:
way too packed scary holiday crowd at the Vogue
sleeping pills
working on sunday
feelings.
May. 19th, 2004
10:33 pm - distraction and delight...
memphis. the new kitty. i now have a matching set of bengals. good lord.
he ruthlessly beats up cairo (aka, defect kitty). which, if you have met cairo, you will find shocking and perhaps unbelievable.
-----
i have been so distracted lately. i caught a fever a few weeks ago, and it refuses to leave. except when it does, and then i am my old frozen, reptilian, heartless self. i am behind on so many things, forgive me. i have always found it hard to distinguish between living in the moment, self-destruction, and joy.
Apr. 23rd, 2004
11:31 am - the beach
busy yet empty few months, for some reason came full circle last night, smoking fantasia cigarettes and sitting next to k., who i hadnt sat next to for a billion, million years. 'its good to finally be growing up...' she said, this girl who i remember as an underage little pixie punk, packing vast quantities of bottled beer into her leather jacket, clanking and crashing through the underbrush of 'nam at 5am to get to the beach. the early, hazy light showing her bleeding, covered in mud and fearless. fearless.
we all have a few more demons now.
Mar. 2nd, 2004
06:03 pm - hair at seventeen
the best haircut i ever had was given to me by my friend eric, who i visited in nyc when i was seventeen. i had waist-long blonde hair, and because i was young and wanted to impress him, i let him take a pair of extremely dull kiddie scissors to it. he left one long piece in the front and hacked the rest about chin length. i felt so lovely and exotic, but then, it could have been eric, or the city, or the way the light fell on two young predators arrogantly stalking their way through the subway.
05:43 pm - netflix
instead of studying, i spent most of today playing on netflix and trying to figure out a good way to randomize my queue. they really should have a way to do that. i dont want to watch the movies in the order i picked them in, and i dont want to arbitrarily pick the order either. so hard being me, some days.
Feb. 14th, 2004
12:19 pm - little valentines story
apropos of today, a story:
when i was a wee little girl, around six, we had the elementary school sanctioned version of valentines day. valentines cards were distributed, and in my pile was one from the class romeo (and i mean that with all the whiny, puppy-dog behavior implied by that title) stating his intended purpose to make ME his valentine.
highly embarrassed, i waited until recess. i found him on the playground, surrounded by his snickering friends. i cornered him and did the only thing that came natural to me; i beat the living daylights out of him.
see? i haven't really changed.
Feb. 13th, 2004
11:50 am - a beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct
illuminae is dead. i cannot write there anymore, too much weight and paralysis of
those dissolute years. so i am starting again, with my straight edge-ly sensibilities over
here. done with debauchery, if ever i go in for it again, i think it will be of the highly
specialized and refined variety. (one can only hope.)
i am not sure if i want to delete illuminae or not, it is quite a memorial to immaturity
and spastic vanity. i am hoping to discard those traits and forge onward to making this
new journal horrifically self-centered and juvenile. as always, i am a slave to progress!